It was the summer of 1984 and I was an intern in Washington D.C. My job included weekly briefings at the White House, research that would be presented to the Supreme Court and now this! I, along with 3 others were waiting to be ushered in to take a private meeting with Congressman Jack Kemp. Former professional football player, friend and advisor of Presidents, and now, meet-er of interns! I had to pinch myself.
Our conversation got off to a good start with a discussion of current events. The talk moved to the problem of the Sandinistas in Nicaragua and in those days before the Iran Contra affair became known to all, it was natural to ask the Congressman what ideas he had for dealing with them. When he gave his answer, I immediately piped up with, “But why do you think that would work when we’ve tried it before and it failed?” He immediately leaned way back in his chair, crossed his arms behind his reclining head, swung his crossed legs up onto the top of his desk and fired back, “What do you think we should do?” Clearly, he was not interested in my answer, nor was he receptive to anything I might have to say. Considering I was just 20 and more than a little intimidated by this show of “manliness” I quickly responded, “I don’t know, you’re the Congressman.”
Needless to say, that was the end of that discussion and we moved on to other topics and the meeting was over not long after. What happened there was a beautiful display of how NOT to listen. Congressman Kemp’s dramatic body language put form to his feelings. He had no interest in meeting with us or hearing what we had to say. So since he couldn’t say that to his scheduler, he dramatically let us know we needed to get moving.
So, how do you avoid the same mistake in Listening? I believe there are 3 key things you can do to be an active listener. Focus, Follow and Feedback. Today we’re going to look at how to focus.
Key #1: Focus ~~ Focus with your body first and then your mind. This is how you do it: Uncross your arms and legs. If you are sitting, lean slightly forward, about 7 degrees forward. When your body is open and you’re tilted slightly forward towards the speaker, it conveys you are interested in what the other person has to say. This posture also helps you focus your mind on the immediate conversation. Your mind will be less likely to wander to your grocery list, or who is picking up the kids from school, or what you are going to do with that problem employee. Instead, you’ll be laser focused on the conversation. Note: do not do this forward lean if you are standing — people will move away from you because you’ll be invading their space.
Oftentimes people are resistant to truly focusing during a conversation and will instead, take the opportunity to multitask. What’s so interesting is that just this past week, research has emerged that Multitasking actually Damages Your Brain! Yes! Can you believe it? You can read more about it here. When I saw this article, I recommitted to focusing more intently, especially during conversations. Check back on tomorrow for part 2 on active listening.
This is Day 9 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.
How about you? Do you focus when you are listening or are you a multitasker? I’d love to read your comments below! 🙂
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