What kind of communicator are you? Passive? Aggressive? Or the gold standard, Assertive? Today I’m going to give you a quick overview so you can evaluate if you are where you want to be and/or if maybe your style is getting in the way of your effectiveness in building positive connections and a life of purposeful living.
Passive Communicator – “A reluctance and/or inability to confidently express what you think and feel.”
This person is quiet, shy and rarely says what they really think or feel. They will keep their thoughts to themselves, often taken extreme amounts of time to think about what they will say before they say it. They expect you to read their minds since they have limited body language and facial expressions.
My favorite story about passive communicators happened when I was speaking in Minot, North Dakota. I had a group of 40 women in my “Powerful Communication Skills for Women” class. The majority of them were of Scandinavian descent. (Internal processors and typically passive communicators.) Throughout the day, I was getting basically no visible response from them. I would say something funny and they would crack a slight smile or nod their heads. As someone who gets their energy from other people, all day long I was giving myself pep talks, reminding myself that they were engaging on the inside, even if I couldn’t see much of a spark on the outside. At the end of the day I was shaking hands at the door saying goodbye. One after another of the women told me how much they loved the class. One woman generously proclaimed, “This was the best class I’ve ever attended.” “Oh, thank you,” I replied. “Yes,” she continued, “My favorite part was how you got us all so involved!” Inside my head, I was screaming, “When? I missed it!”
That’s a funny story, but it illustrates the difficulty others can have with passive communicators. Because passive communicators tend to keep everything inside, others can be at a loss to know their real feelings. They are also very good at using passive aggressive manipulation to get what they want. (I think passive-aggressive behavior is a post for another day.) 🙂
Aggressive Communicator – “Intimidates, demeans and degrades another person – behavior that results in a put-down, causing defensiveness and hurt.”
You’ve meet these aggressive communicators. They are intent on getting their way and letting you know it. The classic aggressive communicator can be found on the school yard – we call him a bully. Or maybe she’s the one in your daughter’s peer group who is the dominate force. She tells all the other girls what they should do and how they should do it. An out of control aggressor uses their threat of anger to manipulate those around her.
The Aggressive Communicator uses their body language with their hands on their hips, their fingers pointing at you (while they shake their hand) and the scowl on their face to get their messages across.
Assertive Communicator: “Confidently express what you think, feel and believe. Standing up for your rights while respecting the rights of others.”
You love these people. They know what they want and they share it assertively. When you finish a conversation with this assertive person, you feel great! Encouraged and energized because you have been on the receiving end of healthy, life-affirming communication.
So, which kind of communicator are you? By nature, most of us fall into either passive or aggressive. Most of us have to learn how to be an assertive communicator. It helps if your family of origin used good, healthy communication. But even if they were too far on either end, you can learn to communicate assertively.
This month of October I’ve given you 30 specific ideas on how to be most effective with assertive communication. I hope you will take these ideas and move yourself into the assertive category. Your friends, family and co-workers will thank you and you’ll be empowered knowing you can use these tools to create a life of strong, active and relationship building communication.
This is Day 30 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.
Question: Which category do you fall into? What challenges have you experienced with your own natural style? How have you worked around your style to get better results? I’d love to hear your stories and comments. Please comment below.
I’m an assertive, and sometimes aggressive communicator!