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Day 28 – How to Say It — Receiving Feedback (#31days)

Day 28 – How to Say It — Receiving Feedback (#31days)

Christy

Yesterday I discussed giving feedback with tack and professionalism.  Today, I want to give you some suggestions for receiving feedback in the most productive way.  (By the way, it was an AWESOME birthday celebration yesterday!  Thanks to everyone who wished me Happy Birthday – wow! do I feel special! :))

When Receiving Feedback:

Ask for clarification.  What’s your response when your boss says, “You don’t seem to care much bout your job these days.” Do you get defensive and react or do you take a deep breath and ask for clarification like this…”What am I doing that gives you that impression?”  Asking for clarification is a good way to slow down the conversation and get it headed in a more productive direction.

Ask for specifics.  When your coworkers says, “You’re really trying to get on the bosses good side,” rather than reacting with a sarcastic or cutting response, just turn it around and ask, “Oh, what makes you say that?”  You’ll shut her negativity down without engaging in any of your own.

Respond don’t react.  Sometimes people give us feedback that we weren’t expecting.  When you give yourself space to respond, you’re setting yourself up for success.  A sentence like “I’d like to think about what you just said and get back with you about it later this afternoon,” is perfectly acceptable and preferable to an angry reaction.  You dictate how you will engage with someone.  Don’t give your power away to them.

Expect the positive.  One time I was speaking to a group of trucking executives in Montana.  Throughout the day I noticed one man in the front row who seemed to visibly disagree with everything I said.  During one interactive time, I asked, “What is it? You obviously don’t agree with me.”  “Oh no!” he exclaimed, “I was just thinking how much I agree with you and that you were hitting on everything that was going wrong with my company.  I’ve been thinking of all the ways I could fix the problems.”  Oh my.  I had completely mis-read his body language and because I had been expecting the worst (based on what I saw) I was expecting a negative response.  What a great lesson.  Look for, and expect the best.  Most of the time, it’s out there, just waiting for you to discover it.

Give grace.  Sometimes people spout off without thinking, giving you feedback that should have much more prudently gone unspoken.  If that happens to you, I’d encourage you to just skip it and forget it.  Life is too short to nurse grudges against people who have said ugly things to you.  Just this morning I had to give myself this very advice as one of my clients spoke extremely rudely and aggressively to me.  My feelings were hurt.  And then I remembered that I could give him grace and just let it go.  All of us have some days that are better than others.  By giving grace you allow others the freedom for a not-so-perfect day…and who knows, maybe next time you’ll be the one on the receiving end of the grace-giving.

31dayblogbuttonThis is Day 28 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. (And my birthday!)  You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question: How are you at accepting feedback?  Is it easy for you or do you, (like I), get defensive? And can you share a story when you received grace from someone?  I’d love to hear your stories.  Please leave your comments below.

9 Comments
  • love it. love the “giving grace” advice. so hard for me as I want to ruminate on how I can be better. Also, appreciate the advice to buy some time. If I do that, I’m usually much saner and open. If I feel at all disapproved of, my defensiveness kicks in. thanks for this.

    • Hi Mary Beth, So glad you enjoyed the post. I’m with you on the defensiveness. How do you handle it when you feel that starting to happen?

  • That’s such perfect advice! My problem is usually just that i don’t respond well to being caught off guard. If I know I’m going to be getting constructive criticism, I take it well. But I’m not someone who likes surprises, and if I don’t have some warning, I space out and have difficulty handling it well. I guess it’s something to work on.

    Anastasia Rose
    #write31days
    walk-in-the-rain-with-me.blogspot.com

    • Hi Anastasia, Glad you enjoyed that advice. I know what you mean about being taken off guard and surprises. I think that’s a control thing. 🙂 I’m working on slowing down my response and then asking a question. Easier said than done. What are you finding helpful?

  • I love your perfect and succinct advice in receiving feedback. I really struggle with receiving feedback, becoming defensive and down on myself if the feedback is negative and either prideful or not knowing how to respond if the feedback is positive. I now have new “tools in my toolbox” to handle this. Thank you!

    • Hi Julie, Thanks for the feedback. 🙂 I’m with you on the defensiveness thing…it’s so easy to fall into that! I was just talking about it yesterday (with my therapist! :)) and she suggested I really practice slowing down my responses when I feel myself getting defensive. I will often react quickly with not the best response, when what I really need to do is step back, breathe and wait a moment before replying. And then reply with a question to help me understand them better. I’m going to try that. 🙂 How do you handle it?

  • Christy, these are such good questions to ask in a number of different life-circumstances. Relationships, alone, would do well to assume the best. Asking “What gives you that impression?” is a great question to spark deeper understanding between co-workers, relatives, and friends. Great thoughts here.

    • Thanks Missy, so glad you liked the ideas and found them helpful. Which questions do you find yourself using to deepen your understanding and relationships?

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