Yesterday I gave you a few questions you could ask to get your mind into the right place when dealing with difficult people. They were:
- Will this matter 5 years from now?
- Who is getting the power here?
- How can I respond with the unexpected?
By asking these questions, you will remind yourself to respond, not react when engaging with the difficult person. Now, let’s take a look at our actual conversations.
Have you noticed that sometimes a person becomes difficult in reacting to something you innocently said to them? Well, following are a few key ideas you can employ to make sure your communication is assertive without inducing defensiveness and anger.
1. Focus on the problem, not the person. For example, you co-worker Tara is consistently tardy to work 3 of 5 mornings a week. Her absence creates problems for you because when she’s not there, you have to handle her work load as well as your own. Your tendency may be to focus on how irresponsible and lazy and self-absorbed you think Tara is by her chronic tardiness. Instead, refocus and target the real problem here – don’t make a judgement about her – just focus on her behavior and how it is affecting you. That way, when you talk with her about her behavior, you won’t be accusatory, you’ll just be able to focus on the facts of her behavior.
2. Avoid absolutes and generalities. Always, never, everyone, nobody, nothing, ever. Do those words sound familiar to you? Many of us are quick to assign an absolute and/or generality to a problem – like “Tara is always late.” or how about “Everyone knows you don’t really care about your job.” These statements are most likely incorrect since few of us are always or never anything! They are also general – and will not help solve the situation. Stay specifically focused on the problem rather than create a defense response by throwing out glittering generalities and aggressive absolutes.
3. Get specific. Target the exact behavior that is bothering you. For example, instead of saying to Tara, “You’re always late!”, begin your discussion by saying “Yesterday, when you were 10 minutes late to work…” By getting specific about what you are talking about, and letting them know precisely what you are having trouble with, then you keep the discussion on track and targeted. The more specific the better.
4. Clearly state the specifics and then tell them what you would like to see them change. For example, your conversation with Tara might begin like this; “Tara, when you were 10 minutes late to work 3 times last week I feel really frustrated. I have have to cover my work as well as your own. I would appreciate it if you could be on time for work, or make arrangements for someone else to cover your duties until you arrive.” Notice how specific that was? It had complete facts as well as what I wanted her to do differently.
There’s so much we can talk about when it comes to clear, assertive communication to use especially when dealing with difficult people. I’m out of room for today, but tomorrow I’m going to give you a few more ideas. I’m so glad we’re only 1/2 way through the month! There’s so much more good stuff left to discuss!
This is Day 17 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.
Question: Do you have trouble staying specific? What do you do to keep from using generalities and assumptions? Please leave your comments below.
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