What gives you the right? That’s the question I challenged you with in my last post as we talked about giving Unsolicited Advice. Do you have the right to comment? If not, then don’t. If you do, however, as when I asked “what gives you the right to tell your husband how to trim the bushes?”, then it’s a different story.
Here’s where it gets a bit tricky. Ask yourself this. What if trimming the bushes was one of the biggest thrills in your husband’s life? Do you still have the right?
And what if each time he trimmed the bushes, they died. Yes, that’s right. Dead. Brown. Kaput. As in, you have to pull them out and start over. Do you still have the right? Yes! (By the way, if it gets this bad, you must transition from mere unsolicited advice to a full blown strategy of assertive dialogue – but that’s another column.)
So, even, and especially when you have the right, before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “Is it in the best interest of the relationship for me to give this unsolicited advice?” If not, then keep quiet.
I can’t emphasize this technique enough. If they don’t ask, don’t tell. Shhhh. Bite your tongue. Hum a tune. Try anything you can to stay silent and keep from transmitting the disease!
I admit this is a “hot button” topic for me. In fact, let me be authentic with you and make a confession…I’m in recovery. That’s right, I’m a recovering unsolicited advice giver. I grew up in a family where we felt compelled with a moral obligation to pass on our wisdom to anyone we saw doing something differently (i.e., not our way) than we thought it should be done. This propensity to participate in the plague has caused me untold misery and compounded problems – all because I never realized the destruction I was sowing. You’ll be relieved to know I am in recovery, the cure is working, and I”m well on my way to a total healing.
But back to you. What stage are you in? Denial? Are you carrying the plague with you – bringing irritation and alienation to everyone you come in contact with? Or are you willing to start and work the steps of recovery by resolving to practice the cure?
Remember, before you speak up, ask yourself these 2 questions:
1. What gives me the right?
and then,
2. Even if I have the right, is it in the best interest of the relationship?
There’s no easy answer here, and if you struggle with this I suggest you give these steps a try. I know from experience, it’s so much more rewarding and positive for a relationship when you can stay quiet, build relationship and interestingly enough, often the person you most want to help will end up coming to you and asking for advice. And then you can give it to your heart’s content. Voila!
This is Day 12 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.
Question: Do you give unsolicited advice? Have you tried these solutions? I’d love to hear your feedback – just leave a comment below.
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