I want you to stop right now, close your eyes and picture the person you would consider to be the best listener you know. What are the characteristics that come to mind? My guess is that not only do they give you their intent focus, as we talked about yesterday, but they also do the two things I’m going to discuss today. They follow and they give you appropriate feedback. Let’s look a little deeper.
Key #2 ~ Follow: Follow first with silence and then with open ended questions. Think back to your favorite listener. Let me ask you, does the person who came to mind give you lots and lots of space around your sentences? Do they let you have a pause at the end of your thoughts? I’ll bet they do. That’s called following with silence. That’s probably the main reason you think of them as a great listener too.
You can do this too. During a conversation consciously be quiet and allow a space (I try for 3 seconds) to follow after the person you listening to says something. A funny thing will happen when you do this. Either they realize they have more to say – and say it, or they’re finished with their thought and they’re waiting for your followup. Being an active listener – then they don’t speak after 3 seconds, you follow up with an open-ended question. That is, a question that cannot be answered with a yes or no answer. This will keep the conversation moving forward and they will feel heard.
Key #3 ~ Feedback: This is the final step you can do when you are an active listener. You can give feedback by reflecting with your body and reflecting with your words. Think of the concept of mirroring the person speaking. They tilt their head, you tilt your head. They lean right, you lean left. Basically, you’re matching their movements.
Did you know that people like people who are “like themselves?” Think of your best friends. Aren’t they similar to you in many ways? The same thing holds true with listening. People like to engage in conversation with people who are “like them.” Now, don’t be a dork! This isn’t the game my 2nd grader played tonight at the dinner table where he mimicked my every word and behavior! Just do it gently with your body and then with your words. When they comment, “We’re going to Hawaii for our vacation.” You can reply, “Oh, so you’re going to Hawaii, how exciting!” This confirms for them that you are listening and interested. You show you are interested by giving them this verbal reflection.
Focus, Follow and Feedback. Three simple steps to energize yourself towards Active Listening. Try it and see what happens. I guarantee, when you commit to this behavior, you’ll see deepened relationships and more productive communication.
This is Day 10 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.
Question: Which of these 3 types of active listening behaviors are your favorite to use? To be the recipient of? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a comment below.
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