It’s a dastardly villain that will ruin relationships and short-circuit work success. It sneaks up on you and becomes a bad habit before you even know it. It’s not silent, indeed its hallmark is empty noise. Confusion, irritation and even anger are it’s children. What is this you ask? Indeed, could you be suffering from this rampant disease and not even know it? It’s the disease of being a poor listener.
So what’s the prescription to knock this evil back? How can you become a better listener? I’m glad you asked. Here are a few suggestions that should send the disease running scared and turn you into a healthy, active listener:
1. Focus on the other person. Focus with your body and focus with your mind. Focus with your body by turning yourself towards the person. You can actually lean towards them about 7degrees without it seeming weird. Usually, putting your body into a focused position helps you focus your mind on the conversation. In this case, thoughts will follow action.
2. Follow with Feedback. Follow along with feedback as you’re having the conversation. You can give feedback with your words, by asking follow-on questions, as well as offering verbal “cues” that you are following. Some cues would be, “really”, “that’s interesting”, “and how’s that?”. These are easy word cues that encourage the speaker to continue on. You can also give physical (yet silent) feedback as you nod your head, smile and keep appropriate eye contact. Hint: Sometimes silence is the best way of all to follow and encourage more productive conversation.
3. Avoid the “me too” syndrome. This is where you insert your personal experience into the conversation at every opportunity. Yes, we want to forge connections and grow intimacy. Yes, we often think that by offering our own experiences we will build those bonds. But the reality of “me too” syndrome is that what you intend for relationship building, gets perceived as one-upmanship and will shut off the conversation. Nobody wants to feel like it’s a competition. Withstand the temptation and keep the conversation focused on them as described above.
A couple resources you can use if this is an area you want to grow are, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently
It’s wonderful to feel heard. When you practice, and get good at active listening, you are giving this gift to those in your world. You are telling them they are important and you care. The time will come when it will be your turn to talk. And you can only hope that at that time, you’ll be connecting with someone who also practices active listening.
How about you? How are your listening skills? What are your challenges? When have you felt heard? What did the other person do that made you feel that way? Please, leave your comments below.