I just can’t stand her! I heard the anguish in my friend’s voice as she shared her frustration with me about her boss. She was fed up with the arbitrary rules, capricious decisions and obvious favoritism that had become the daily norm.
If you’ve ever worked for or with someone who just bugs you, here are 3 suggestions to help you turn a crummy interaction into something positive:
1. Recognize your feelings. This is a new skill that I’ve been working on. When you feel that rush of anger or frustration, instead of grabbing it and massaging it and escalating it, simply recognize it.
Try something like, Wow, that comment hurts. Or, I’m feeling really mad right now. There’s something about saying the statement out loud or to yourself that will help you process it.
Identify more about why it hurts or is inflammatory. For example, When she said I was a bad team player, I feel unappreciated. My reaction is to get defensive and lash back at her. Wow, I’m really uncomfortable.
I also recommend you take some deep breaths as you walk yourself through the emotions of the situation. Try to pinpoint exactly what it is that’s causing such a strong emotional reaction inside of you. Now you’re ready to…
2. Figure out if and/or how you are going to address this with her. My experience is that sometimes you need to address it, and sometimes you just need to let it go. Let’s be realistic. With some people, you could talk until you’re blue in the face and it would do NO GOOD! If that’s the case, please, just give yourself the freedom to experience the emotion and then choose to release it. You might need to take a few deep breaths and physically open your hands outward – breathing out the release as you fan your fingers open.
But if the irritating person is open to honest communication, you would do well to create an assertive dialogue and let them know how their words affected you. Both of you will do better after that discussion and you can move forward.
Regardless of which step you decide, I always find it helpful to close the interaction with the third idea…
3. Look for the good. Find something you appreciate or like about them. I know that’s a tall order when you’re not feeling very positive towards them and frankly just the fact that they are still taking up space in your universe grates on you like fingernails on a chalkboard, but I promise you — if you will do the exercise of finding just one thing to be thankful for or that you like/admire about them, it will help.
Some suggestions might be, I’m thankful she takes her job so seriously. Or, I’m thankful she follows through. Or, I really like how she is such a professional dresser or if you’re really desperate, I’m thankful she just left the room…JKLOL…as my 2nd grader says 🙂
Do you see how I’m suggesting you reframe your mind? You can do this! Even if you don’t feel like it now, by recognizing your emotions, figuring out what you are going to do with them, and then creating a positive feeling to close the experience, you are reframing the whole thing on your terms. And that feels great!
I hope these 3 simple steps will help you to maneuver through the next time you find yourself in the middle of a muddle.
Question: What are your coping techniques? Have you tried any of these and how did they work for you? I’d love to hear your feedback. Just leave a comment below.