My husband walked in the door and headed to the laundry room. Three months into our separation we saw each other infrequently. When he came back into the living room we began discussing one of our “hot topics.” Typically, the conversation quickly deteriorated. I bit my tongue to keep from saying something ugly and he slammed the door on his way out.
I headed straight to the pantry. I rummaged through until I found an old, stale and expired ready-to-eat butterscotch pudding. I quickly opened that sweet concoction and gobbled it down as if it were manna.
The next day at my therapist’s office, I told her what had happened. She smiled and gently asked if I saw the pattern. Clueless, I had to think about it for a while before I realized what I had done. To her it was textbook. To me, it had become a way of life.
Were you ever told, as I was, that it’s better to say nothing at all than say something that could damage your relationship — as you can never get words back? When I heard that advice as a naive 21 year old, I took it to heart and instead of learning how to communicate clearly and respectfully, I decided to just say nothing. Big mistake. 8 years and 1 failed marriage later, I was living the negative outcomes of that behavior.
Feelings cannot get stuffed without disastrous results. We all need a positive way to express our feelings. The list of negative coping behaviors (if you don’t express them) is long….overeating, under-eating, control-freakism, unmanageable anger, withdrawal, depression, manic exercising, addictions of every kind…and the list goes on.
I want to share a conversational solution to this dilemma I have both used and taught over the years. When I use this, it works. Amazing. Notice the emphasis. When I use it! When I don’t, I find myself falling back into the old patterns.
Here’s a sample dialogue: (This is called “Assertive Dialogue”)
- When you interrupt me while I’m talking in our staff meeting
- I feel frustrated
- Because I’m unable to complete my thoughts, and I think they are important or I wouldn’t have started speaking.
- I want you to stop interrupting and listen to my full thought before jumping into the conversation.
Notice the key phrases that start you in the right direction.
- When you…..fill in the behavior that’s bothering you here.
- I feel…you can leave out “feel” but be sure to name the EMOTION and don’t fall into the trap of turning it into an accusation by saying I feel LIKE YOU…
- Because – this explains to the listener how their behavior is affecting you.
- I want you to – or I would like you to – this explains the behavior change you are looking for. This changed behavior MUST be a direct response to what you started the conversation with – it must not be some random new thing.
Each component is important, because each layers onto the other. Fill in your own blanks and try it out! Let me know what you think.
A great resource if you want to work on this, is Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud
If you’ve read this far, you’re probably a regular reader and you noticed I did not post with a “weight update” last Friday. After a full week of 7-year-old birthday activities and then a Saturday afternoon birthday party with 25 little ones to plan for – combined with publishing 3 new podcasts, I just couldn’t get it done. The ending number Friday was 185.
Today’s post was motivated by my own struggle this past week…I fear I have been stuffing my mouth rather than speaking out the truth in love. I’m doing better so far this week now that I’ve reminded myself of how to deal with my feelings in a positive way. I’m going to change my updates to Mondays since Friday seems to come around really fast! 🙂
I’m off to Atlanta this week to celebrate the High School graduation of my sister’s daughter and my namesake, Caroline. I think I’ll have a lot of opportunity to practice my script!
PS – check out this week’s podcast published this coming Thursday morning for more details on Assertive Dialogue. Subscribe in iTunes to get every podcast as it’s released! (Feel free to leave a review too! :))
Question: How do you handle communicating your feelings? Do you ever find yourself looking for the “easy” way rather than speaking the truth in love? Let me know…I love reading your comments!
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